I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
