Can i not drive my cunt home
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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