birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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