wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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