my mouth tastes like poor choices
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
