please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
