you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
