are you still at the devil's house?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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