you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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