I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
then he tried to convert me to islam
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
