Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
