I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize