did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
