She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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