There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
