remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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