Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
