we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
