I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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