I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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