Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
It's shark week go big or go home
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
