My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Randomize
