mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
