Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
