Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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