you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
How's work?
Spinning.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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