He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
