You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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