I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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