I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
