saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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