i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
