he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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