final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
