Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
They are going to name an STD after you.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
