my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
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