all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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