I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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