If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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