My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize