Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
