god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
