I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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