Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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