It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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