dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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