is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
