Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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