My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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