I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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