I think i peed on brittanys purse
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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