I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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