look no pants
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
