hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Non-Jews are for practice
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
