I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
