Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
