So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
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