i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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