just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
