I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
