smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize