Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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