Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
