My liver just broke up with me...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
