I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize