Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
